Outnumbered - one on one...
Every dad who played Subbuteo as a child knows in his heart of hearts he is destined to try to introduce the game to his son. He also knows in his heart of hearts that this might not go well...
Here's to all those hopeful dad's. We wish you all the success in the world in this most honourable, yet precarious endeavour!
Jake: “Ready for...what the hell is that?!”
Dad: “Come on, Arsenal v Spurs, local derby.”
Jake: What is it?”
Dad: “This is the game I played when I was growing up, Subbuteo, I've been meaning to get this out for ages.”
Jake: “Subbuteo? Why do all your games have the stupidest names? - Subbuteo."
Jake: “That's not even a word."
Dad: “Yes, it is. It's Latin. It means I...subute. Anyway, look I'll take you through the rules.
Jake: “No, I'm not playing this, it's too...budget.”
Dad: “Budget? Come on, this is a great game!”
Jake: “Well, it's not realistic like FIFA, is it?”
Dad: “That is where you're wrong, because this, in fact, this is a far more realistic representation of football.”
Dad: “No, yes, it is, because look, on PlayStation, all you do, is get to control one player at a time and all the other players just charge around randomly like... England. Whereas in Subbuteo, it's all about tactics.”
Jake: “FIFA is…”
Dad: “It's all about moving players and positioning them.”
Jake: “FIFA's realistic, Dad.”
Dad: “If you think that, I am really worried, cos that means we'll bring through a whole generation of young players who can only run jerkily, in completely straight lines, who often leave the ball behind them and then occasionally turn through 180 degrees for no apparent reason - FIFA's not realistic.”
Jake: “It's more realistic than this. When Arsenal and Spurs play each other, they don't have two teams of gay-looking clones, standing with their feet in big blocks of cement and the goalie with a huge long stick coming out of his arse.”
Dad: “Well, there's this thing called imagination. It's like a computer, only cheaper.”
Jake: “Oh, for... Jesus! That's the ball?!”
Jake: “It'd crush them to death.”
Dad: “No, it's just a...”
Jake: “It's like the ball that chases Indiana Jones.”
Dad: “You're just running scared.”
Jake: “OK, I'll beat you at your stupid game.”
Dad: “Ah, I don't think so. You see I won our Scout troop Subbuteo cup five years out of six. It would've been six out of six, but I accidentally trod on Jimmy Greaves and he snapped in half. He was never the same after that.
You flick your player thus – but it has to be a flick. Not a drag, not a scoop – that’s not legal”
“And here come Tottenham again!”
Jake: “That's a definite foul!”
Dad: “No foul says the referee!”
Jake: “Let's look at the video replay. I've been filming it.
Dad: “Video evidence is not allowed in the modern game by FIFA.”
Jake: “Oh, come on, chopper!”
Dad: “Give 'em a couple of knighthoods they might think again.”
Jake: “Hello, mate…. Yeah, yeah, that'd be cool….Hey, Dad, can I go to Mikey's please?”
Dad: “What, now?”
Jake: “Yeah, he's got the boys over. We're having a jam sesh… and we'll probably finish quite late so...?
Dad: “Well...well if that's OK with his mum and dad...”
Jake: “Yeah, it's cool. OK, I'm on my way. Cheers, Dad, you're a star.“